It had been a long rough season leading up to Christmas Eve, Santa had been losing money in the stock market, the weather was foul he didn't think he was going to be able to deliver presents and to top it all off Rudolph had a cold so his nose wasn't working. In the midst of all this misery Santa hears a knock on the door, when he opens the door, there before him is the Angel that lives at the north pole and delivers his Christmas tree every year. The Angel looks up at Santa and says " Merry Christmas Santa, I have your tree, Where would you like me to stick it".

Ever since that fatefull night we've had the custom of sticking an Angel on top of the Christmas tree

Chambers said he decided to file this lawsuit after a suit was filed in early September in federal court against Lancaster County Judge Jeffre Cheuvront. He's the judge who was hearing a sexual assault case, where the woman wants to use the words "rape and victim" during her testimony.

Chambers lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.

The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is “Omnipresent”.

In the lawsuit Chambers says he’s tried to contact God numerous times, “Plaintiff, despite reasonable efforts to effectuate personal service upon Defendant (“Come out, come out, wherever you are”) has been unable to do so.”

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Two Department of Transportation workers were standing around at the end of the day leaning on their shovels  (something they do pretty much all day every day) and one of them looks down at the ground and see's a snail,  so he tells his buddy,

"Man, I'm going to kill that snail"

"Why"

"Because he's been following me all day"

A man walks into a bar and seeing a beautiful young woman drinking alone decides to approach her.

Man:  If I pay you a million dollars, will you have sex with me?

Woman: Sure!

Man: OK, Here's $50.

Woman: What do you think I am?

Man: We've established that. Now we're just haggling over price.

An elderly man died and after standing in line at the gates to Heaven he finally gets his chance to talk to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. When asked his name the man couldn't remember, so Saint peter asked him a few questions and the man still couldn't recall his name. Just then Jesus approached and said...

 "Hi Pete, whats happining?"

"I've got this man here and he can't remember his name, I can't let him in without checking to see if he's on the list"

Jesus replied "Let me give it a try",  "Do you remember anything from your life that wil help us identify you?"

The man replied " Well I do remember I had a son and I do recall he seemed to have nails in his hands"

Jesus threw his arms wide and exclaimed "DAD"

The man rushed forward for a hug and shouted out "PINOCCHIO"

Jay Leno walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at Jay and asks

"Why the long face"